funny grandma

A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple’s house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. “What are you doing?” she asked. “I’m waiting for Jeff to come home from work,” the daughter-in-law answered. “B…

An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol. “Ma’am, did you know you were speeding?” the officer said. The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?” “He said you were speeding!” the old man…

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, “Well, I’m a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?” The doctor answered, “Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and …

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, and he said, “I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I’m stumped.” His buddy said, “I have an idea. Why don’t you make up a certificate that says she can have two hou…

A blonde sits down in a bar next to a redhead. Both of them are having a good time when the news comes on the TV. The woman reporter shouts out ‘This just in! A man Is at the edge of a cliff attempting to jump’ The redhead leans over to the blonde and whispers, ‘I bet you $50 that the man’s gonna jump.’ The blonde r…

A guy asked a girl in the library. “Do you mind if I sit beside you?” The girl answered with a loud voice. “I don’t want to spend the night with you.” All the students in the library started staring at the guy and he was embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy’s table and told him.…

An 18 year old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says “who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!” The girl picks up t…

A young woman, (a new teacher) was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the male students. She quickly turned and asked, “What’s so funny Pat?” “Well teacher, I just saw one of your garte…

A blonde wanted to sell her car, but couldn’t find any buyers. She called her friend for advice, and her friend asked her how many miles she had on her car. “235,000 miles.” Her friend told her that was the problem. But the blonde’s friend told her that her brother is a mechanic and could put back the miles to whate…

Peggy Sue’s father answers the door and invites him in. He asks Bobby what they’re planning to do on the date. Bobby politely responds that they’ll probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie. Peggy Sue’s father suggests, “Why don’t you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.” Bobby …

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, “So y’all want to be cops, huh?” The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, …

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150. His parents look at the truck and ask, “Where did you get that truck?!” “I bought it today,” he says. “With what money?” says his mother. They knew what a new F150 cost. “Well,” he says, “this one cost me just fifteen dollars.” The father looks at him…

There was a German, an Italian and a Redneck on death row. The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die: 1. to be shot 2. to be hung 3. to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death. So the German said, “Shoot me right in the head.” (Boom, he was dead instantly). Then the Italian said, “Just hang me.” (S…

Tony had just finished reading a new book entitled, ‘You Can Be The Man of Your House.’ He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, ‘From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, you will se…

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak – the last one is great! Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back…well here are the Testimonials of a few people who did…. First Testimony: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked lo…

The other night I was invited out for a night with the “girls.” I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, “I promise!” Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up an…

Husband and wife sit together in the kitchen and have breakfast. Out of the blue she hits him with rolling pin. After a few minutes conscious again he asks:”What was that ? – Why did you hit me that hard ?” She: “That was for 25 years of bad s*x. “He continues eating his breakfast thinking about this for a few minut…

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man answers the phone, puts it on speaker, and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: “Hello” WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?” MAN: “Yes.” WOMAN: “I’m at the mall now and found this beautiful …

As he walked up to old lady’s car he noticed there were 3 other elderly folks looking very frightened and rigid. He leaned down to the old lady’s window and noticed she was as calm as could be. “Do you know why I pulled you over, Ma’am?” “No, I do not,” she replied sweetly. “You were going 10mph on the highway that’…

A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly she came out in the divorce settlement, when she spies a lamp washing up onshore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a genie. The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. Then the genie informs that he will give her three…

A woman died and found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being greeted by St. Peter. She asked him, “Oh, is this place what I really think it is? It’s so beautiful. Did I really make it to heaven?” To which St. Peter replied, “Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one more thing befor…

A man walked out into the street and managed to get a taxi just going by, what luck, he thought, as he slid into the cab. “Perfect timing,” the cabby said. “You’re just like Bill.” “Who?” asked the man. “Bill Smith. There’s a guy who did everything right,” the cabby said. “Like my coming along when you needed a cab,…

A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head. “I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name ‘Marylou’ written on it,” she said, furious. “You had better have an explanation.” “Calm down, honey,” the man replied. “Remember last week…

A little girl says to her mother: “Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around”… “Not now,” says Mummy. “Wait until Daddy gets home.” So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says “Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?” And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy…

A young lady was waiting for her flight in the boarding room of a big airport. As she would need to wait for a long time, she decided to buy a book to read and a packet of cookies to snack on. She sat down in an armchair in the VIP room of the airport to relax and read in peace. A man sat down in the next seat, open…

A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip. The wife answers: “Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?” The husband laughs and says: “A gorgeous Italian girl!” The woman kept quiet and left. Two weeks …

A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit. She gets two shot glasses, fills one with water and the other with whiskey. After bringing him to the table that has the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says, "I want you to see this." She puts a w…

After 37 years of marriage, Jerald dumped his wife for his young secretary. His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jerald and Catherine’s multi-million dollar home and since the man’s lawyers were a little better, he prevailed. He gave Catherine, his now ex-wife, just 3 days to move out. She spent the 1st da…

There are things in the world around us that we might consider obvious and other things that might slip our attention. When we miss something that might be obvious to others, they may call us a name, perhaps even blonde. As it turns out, blondes not only have more fun, it seems that they are also the target of many …

This is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy: Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 1…

Two guys grow up together and are best of friends. But after college one moves to Georgia and the other to California. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other. At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch. “Where you wanna go?” “Hooters.” “Why Hoo…

Many people who work as a handyman find that it is an interesting job. They never know what they are going to run into from one day to the next and sometimes, they may even be in for a surprise or two. If there is one thing that any repairman will tell you, it’s the fact that they need to listen to what is told to t…

Larry’s barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company. Susan spoke to the insurance agent and said, “We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money.” The agent replied, “Whoa there, just a minute. Insurance doesn’t work quite like that An independent adjuster will assess the va…

A guy and his buddy are on the beach trying to pick up girls. The guy walks up and down the beach in his bathing suit and nothing. Nobody looks. He comes back to his friend and the friend says “try a speedo”. So he walks up and down the beach in his speedo. Nothing. The girls aren’t reacting. So his buddy says “take…