A robber enters a bank, he pulls out a gun, and he shouts: "Everyone on the ground. This is a robbery!". Immediately, everyone in the bank drops down with their hands on their heads except for one man reading a newspaper.
The man lowers his newspaper and begins to stare at the robber with an amused look on his face.

It makes the robber angry, so he walks towards the man, puts the gun to his face, and asks him: “what so funny, ha? You want to get shot?”.

The man’s amused look turns into a smile as he answers the robber back: “You are joking right?”.

The robber, bursting with anger, places the gun one inch away from the man’s face and says: “Say that again. I dare you”.

The man, who was previously completely relaxed, is now getting a bit worried. He lowers his newspaper further and says: “No, really. You are not serious, are you?”.

The robber sticks the gun into the man’s forehead and threatens with a more serious tone: “One more word and I swear I am pulling the trigger”.

The man, no longer showing the slightest hint of amusement, says: “Look, there is a first time to everything, but this is unbelievable. Do you really have any idea of what you are doing?”.

“that is it!” the robber snaps. “I have a gun, you are unarmed, everybody else is scared to death, and there are zero guards in here! Don’t you understand the situation? I completely got this under control!”.

At this point, the man puts down his newspaper with an honest, concerned look on his face. He looks the robber in the eye and says: “Dude, this is a blood bank 


I was doing yard work after the storm this weekend and my wife was about to take a shower. I realized that I couldn’t find the rake. I yelled up to my wife, “Where’s the rake?”

She couldn’t hear me and she shouted back, “What?”

I pointed to my eye, then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion. Then my wife wasn’t sure and said, “What?”

I repeated the gestures: “EYE KNEE THE RAKE.”

My wife replied that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her bum, and finally to her crotch.

Well, there is no way in hell I could even come close to that one. Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her, “What the hell was that?”

She replied, “EYE – LEFT TIT – BEHIND – THE BUSH.


Jennifer’s wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement – not even her parents’ nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the perfect dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father’s new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother.

Jennifer asked her father’s new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. “Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I’m wearing it,” she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, “Never mind sweetheart. I’ll get another dress. After all, it’s your special day.”

A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.

When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, “Aren’t you going to return the other dress? You really don’t have another occasion where you could wear it.”

Her mother just smiled and replied, “Of course I do, dear. I’m wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.”