A woman goes out shopping with her husband and spots a pair of shoes she likes and must have…

The husband says,

“No f*cking chance love, They’re too expensive!”

Later on that night in bed,

The wife is just falling off to sleep when the husband tries his luck and places his hands on her hips….

She turns to him and says,

“No f*cking chance love, If you ain’t prepared to shoe the horse then you ain’t f*ckin riding it!!” 

NEXT JOKES

An old Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers.

He says,

“I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer.

One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.

“Is your bet still good?”, asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.

Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says,

“If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”

The Irishman replies,

“Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first”.


A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.


They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"


His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.


"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."


When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.


His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"


"Shes in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."


A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"


Daves wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.


Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.


He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.


She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.


The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.