After the mass, he asked the Monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”


Next Sunday the new priest decided to take the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning, he felt nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.


Upon returning to his office, he found a note on the door that said :

– Sip on the vodka, don’t gulp.

– There are 10 commandments, not 12.

– There are 12 disciples, not 10.

– Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

– Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not “bet his ass.”

– We do not refer to Jesus Christ as “the late J.C.”

– We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”

– The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are not referred to as “daddy, junior and the spook.”

– David slew Goliath, he did not “kick the crap out of him.”

– When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, we do not say that he was “stoned off his ass.”