funny grandma

After 15 years of marriage, my wife wanted me to take another woman out to dinner and a movie. She said, “I love you, but I know this other woman loves you and would love to spend some time with you.” The other woman that my wife wanted me to visit was my mother, who had been a widow for 10 years, but the demands of m…

A man goes to the doctor and complains that his wife cant hear him. How bad is it? the doctor asks. I have no idea, the husband says. Well, please test her. Stand 20 feet away from her and say something. If she doesn’t hear you, get closer and say the same thing. Keep moving closer and closer and repeating the comment…

Bob Smith was sick of his job and was determined to find work elsewhere. But no matter how hard he tried, his reputation as someone who was not dedicated to the job, seemed to follow him around. One day the phone rang at his office. Although Bob did not usually pick up the phone, he picked it up and said hello. “Hi” s…

Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, “Are you aware of how fast you were going?” The man replies, “Yes, I am. I’m trying to escape a robbery I got involved in.” The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, “…

A man is drinking in a bar when he notices a beautiful young lady. “Hello there and what is your name?” “Hello,” giggles the woman, “I’m Stacey. What’s yours?” “I’m Jim.” “Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight?” “Sure!” replies Jim. “Let’s go!” At Stacey’s house, Jim notices a picture of a man on Stacey’s …

John wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. John looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotl…

Three women are talking about their husbands over coffee. “It’s funny,” says Samantha, “Peter’s balls are always cold as ice when I’m giving him a blowjob!” “You know what?” replies Jenny, “It’s exactly the same with my Richard!” They turn to the third blonde and ask: “When you go down on Chris, are his balls cold, al…

He saw an ad in the newspaper about a sales position. He didn’t know the first thing about sales, but figured he could learn, and so he contacted the company.  “It’s simple,” said the hiring manager. “You go door-to-door selling toothbrushes. Everyone needs a toothbrush, you should be able to sell lots of them.”  The …

An old lady is speeding down a highway, when she spots a police officer with a speed gun. The officer signals for her to pull over, and then walks over and asks her with a smile: “What’s the rush?” “I’m late for work.” “Sure,” says the officer, “What do you do?” “I’m a rectal distender.” “A what? A rectal distender? A…

up and see. ' when she got half way up the stairs she paused."was i going up the stairs of down?"   the 92-year-old sister was sitting at the kitchen table drinking a cup of tea and thought. " i hope i never get that forgetful . knock on wood ." she shook her head and called out " i'l…

A couple decide that they need a guard dog.  So the guy goes to a pet shop and says to one of the employees, “I need a guard dog to protect my apartment”  The employee responds, “I have the perfect dog for you”, she then showed him a chihuahua.  The man was not impressed and said, “I need a dog that can guard our hous…

After 15 years of marriage, my wife wanted me to take another woman out to dinner and a movie. She said, “I love you, but I know this other woman loves you and would love to spend some time with you.” The other woman that my wife wanted me to visit was my mother, who had been a widow for 10 years, but the demands of m…

A very shy man had the embarrassing task of returning a pair of underpants to the shop and being served by a pretty young girl. “What’s wrong with them, Sir?” she asked. “They’re, they’re … er, unsatisfactory,” he said, blushing madly. “Can you tell me why?” The man was lost for words but as he was looking wildly arou…

Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke. Suddenly, it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. The other looked at her in surprise and asked, “Whats that?” The second lady replied, “A condom. This way my cigarette…

Two women are on a girls’ night out, both of them married, loyal and exemplary wives. This night they have had one too many Bacardi Breezers and are unsteadily walking home. On the way they suddenly realize that they really have to pee, and lacking any proper facilities, they decide to sneak into a graveyard. The firs…

There was a butler named James who worked for an old decrepit Billionaire that had a smoking hot 25 year old wife. James was infatuated with her and knew she wasn’t being satisfied by ole crusty.  He was caught staring at her longingly more than once and she seemed flattered more than offended so this just reinforced …

A man and a woman are sitting beside each other… … in the first class section of a plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat for about 10 seconds. The man finds the shuddering a bit strange, but decides to ignore it and goes back to reading. A few minute…

An old Man walked into the bank and stood in the queue, when it was his turn he handed his bank card to a bank teller and said, “I would like to withdraw £10.” The teller told him, “For withdrawals less than £100 please use the ATM.” The old man wanted to know the reason for this. The teller returned his bank card and…

Three guys go to hell. One is from the USA, one is from England, and the other one is from Iraq. Upon arrival the devil says they are entitled to one phone call, but must pay the charges. The guy from the USA calls home and talks for an hour. The devil says, “That will be $150.”   The guy from England calls home and t…

Two people living in a retirement home, an elderly man and an elderly woman, had known each other for a number of years. One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally …

A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk.   A man came in and asked the farmer, “Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?”   The farmer shook his head and replied, “Some things you just can’t explain.”   “So what happened that’s so horrible?” the man asked as he sat down n…