funny grandma

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane.. A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." Little Johnny, …

A man walked into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sat down, the waitress came over and asked for their orders.   The man said, “I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke.” Then he turned to the ostrich and asked, “What’s yours?” “I’ll have the same,” said the ostrich. A short time later the wait…

HAD TENNIS ELBOW ONCE

You’re getting older. What to do about it? Can you drink a  magical potion to stop it? That would be great, wouldn’t it? Can you get infinite surgeries to look like you’re still 20? Nah, trust me. It won’t work. No matter how much Botox and how many face-lifts you get, you’ll still crack like a glow stick. So what can…

An old lady is speeding down a highway, when she spots a police officer with a speed gun. The officer signals for her to pull over, and then walks over and asks her with a smile: “What’s the rush?” “I’m late for work.” “Sure,” says the officer, “What do you do?” “I’m a rectal distender.” “A what? A rectal distender? A…

A group of kindergarteners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. “You need to use ‘big people’ words,” she’d always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. “I went to visit my Nana.” “No, you went to vis…

A bloke goes into a baker’s and asks for three pork pies. The assistant picks the pies up with a pair of tongs and puts them in a paper bag. The man then asks for three strawberry tarts and the assistant picks up another pair of tongs and puts three tarts into a bag. “I must compliment you on such impressive hygienic …

During the heat of the space race in the 1960’s,  NASA quickly discovered that ballpoint pens  would not work in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the  Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of $1  million. The pen worked in zero gravity, upside  down, underwa…

In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could. The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. Seeing …

So a truck driver is driving through the country when he sees a penguin in the middle of the road. He pulls over and looks around, but can’t see anyone. So he picks up the penguin, puts him in the cab of his truck, and continues on his way. A couple of miles down the road he gets pulled over by a cop. The cop walks up…

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long  johns, dressed quietly,… made my lunch, grabbed  the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck,… and proceeded to back out  into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I  pulled back into th…

Poor Suzanne would just cringe. Over the years she had complained at Carl, ” You know Carl! One of these days, you’re going to fart your guts out. What are you going to do when that happens?” Lovely couple, but Carl had this one bad habit that had always disgusted Suzanne. Every morning, before getting out of bed, Ca…

A man asked his wife what she’d like for her 40th birthday. “I’d love to be six again” she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything…

Steve invites his mother over for dinner. During the dinner, his mother can’t help but notice that Steve’s roommate Peter is very tall and handsome. She had long suspected that the two of them were more than roommates, so she asked her son if they were a couple. But Steve denies it, and reassures his mother that they’…

John was sitting outside his local pub one day… … enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink. “You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!” Now John gets pretty an…

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.” “What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married 10 times?” “Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it wa…

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn’t. Marriage is a three ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. For Sale: Wedding dress, size 8. Worn once by mistake. There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman: Before marriage and after marri…

A man and a woman, who had never met before, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two were tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 2:00 AM, he leaned over and gently wakes t…