funny grandma

After World War II, an American soldier was going back to London from the front. He was on a very crowded train and was looking for a seat, but the only empty one was next to an older lady, and she had her pet poodle on it. He said, “Please, madam, I’m very tired. May I please sit here?” The lady replied, “No. My pr…

Mrs Donovan was walking down O’Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty. The Father said, ‘Top o’ the mornin’ To ye! Aren’t ye Mrs Donovan And didn’t I marry ye and yer Hoosband two years ago?’ She replied, ‘Aye, that ye did, Father.’ The Father asked, ‘And be there Any wee little ones yet?’ She…

A man gets stopped by a police officer for doing 31 in a 30 zone The police man asks what the man’s job is. The man says ‘I’m an asshole stretcher’ The police man asks ‘and what do you do in that?’ The man replies in detail ‘we get the customers ass and slowly enlarge it by first sticking our fingers in, then our wh…

Today at the drugstore, the clerk was a gent. From my purchase, this chap took off 10 percent. I asked for the cause of a lesser amount; And he answered, “Because of  the Seniors Discount.” I went to McDonald’s for a burger and fries; And there, once again, got quite a surprise. The clerk poured some coffee which he h…

A pr@stitute standing outside a motel in a small town saw a 70+ year  old man walking past. She hasn't had a customer for a while so she  whistles at him and says, "Hey, would you like to have some fun time with me?" The old man said, "But I won't be able to..." "C'mon  funny-gra…

Three men – a sex addict, a cigarette addict, and an alcoholic – all died and went to hell for their sins. The Devil approached them as they entered, and offered them a deal. "I will lock you in a room with the object of your addiction for a thousand years. If, by the time those thousand years run out, you can …

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence.  Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he cou…

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.  She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. “Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?” “How about 50 dollars?” sa…

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out. So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says…

A duck walks into a pub and orders a beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, "But you're a duck". "I see your eyes are working", replies the duck. "And you talk!" exclaims the barman. "I see your ears are working", says the duck, "now can I have my …

Two mental patients, Jim and Neil, are sitting and playing checkers in the game room. Jim says: "Wow don't ask what a terrible dream I had yesterday! I am in New York, get on the train on the way to you to Boston, fall asleep, and arrive in Chicago! Get on the train from Chicago to Boston, fall asleep again, …

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I, the third one, have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a f…

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde repl…

Ed and Carolyn met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.  When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home. Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Carolyn to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, mov…

The Swede’s wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her b@ll, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. ‘Good God, woman! Why aren’t you wearing any skivvies?’, Ole demanded. Well, you don’t give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.’ The Swede immediately reaches into…

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions. Later, they passe…

A young man wanted to buy a pair of expensive gloves for his sweetheart’s birthday.   He went to an expensive boutique, bought the finest gloves available, and asked the saleswoman to have them delivered along with a note he had written.   Unfortunately, the clerk mixed up the order while wrapping the merchandise. I…

In a small town, there were two brothers…   … who, over the course of many years, cheated, swindled, robbed and generally stole from everyone that they ever did business with.   The entire town and surrounding community reviled and despised these two brothers as everyone was aware of just how disreputable and dishon…