funny grandma

I ran into a buddy last month and invited him to a party. He said, “no, thanks. I don’t go to parties anymore. It’s too embarrassing.“ “What do you mean?“ “Well, I always drink too much, and when I’m drunk I think it’s funny to piss in peoples’ flower pots. Then the next day, everybody’s talking about it, and it’s t…

The teacher told the class that each student could tell the class one thing they got for Christmas. So, the teacher calls on a girl to come up to the front of the class and tell everyone one thing she got. “My daddy got me a Bow-Wow,” she said. The teacher tells the class that they are old enough to know the correct …

A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things – chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with. Finally, the uncle had an idea …

Two nuns, Sister Dulce and Sister Andrea, are on their way back from the market one evening. It’s already very late, and they have quite a distance left before reaching their convent. Suddenly, Sister Dulce grabs hold of Sister Andrea’s arm. “Is it just me,” she asks, “or is that man following us?!” Sister Andrea gl…

A couple went for a cruise tour to enjoy their private honeymoon while leaving their children at home. Unfortunately, the cruise ship was sinking due to catastrophic weather condition. The couple finally made their way to the lifeboat area but there was only space for one person left. The man jumped onto the lifeboa…

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day,she asked, “Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?” “I’m in love,” the boy replied. Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, “With whom?” “With you!” he said. “But Johnny,” she said …

Dan married one of a pair of identical twins. Less then a year later he was in court filing for divorce. "Tell the court why you want a divorce," the judge said. "Well, Your Honor," Dan started, "every once in a while my sister-in-law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife …

A young man from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store looking for a job.   The manager asks, “Do you have any sales experience?”   The kid says, “Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota.”   The boss liked the kid and gave him the job. “You start tomorrow.  I’ll co…

The child was a typical four-year-old girl – cute, inquisitive, and bright as a new penny. When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help. One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the chu…

A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant, and while sitting at his regular table he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby all alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that if she accepts it, she is his for the night. The waiter …

The manager hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet and polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, “Oh, sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?” He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that…

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, “All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who…

A lady goes in to take a tennis lesson, and the instructor notices she is using the wrong grip. After several failed attempts to correct her, he finally says “OK, just grip it like you do your husband’s member”. After that, she immediately rips a couple of top spin winners down the line. The instructor says, “Wow th…

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, “I’ve had enough and have left you. Don’t bother coming after me.” Then she hide under the bed to see his reaction. After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes in…

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get to the cabin, the guy goes out to chop some wood to start the fireplace. When he gets back, he says, “Honey, my hands are freezing!” To that she replies “Well, come here and I’ll warm them between my legs.” He goes out a couple of …

Joe is on his last day at work as a mailman. He receives many thank-you cards and monetary gifts along his route. When he gets to the very last house, he is greeted by a gorgeous housewife, who invites him in for lunch. Joe happily accepts. After lunch, the woman invites him up to the bedroom for some “desert.” Joe …

A man walks into a bar and orders one shot. Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another shot. After he finishes, he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another shot. The bartender is curious and asks him “every time you order a shot, you look in your shirt pocket. Why?” The man replies, “I h…

An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: “Get your treatment for $500 – if not cured get back $1,000.” Doctor “Young,” who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought thi…

A Polish man had married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada for a year or so and although his English was far from perfect, the couple got on well. One day, though, he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked if he could arrange for a divorce for him….”very quick!!!” The lawyer explained that the speed of g…

There was a man who had three girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spent it. The first one went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, “I spent t…

A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch. A woman passing by remarks, “If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady.” He replies, “If you were any sort of a hot lady, the hat would lift by itself.”

A 71 year old man is having a drink in a Chicago bar Suddenly a gorgeous 19 year old girl enters and sits down a few seats away. The girl is so attractive that he just can’t take his eyes off her After a short while the girl notices him staring, and approaches him. Before the man has time to apologize, the girl …

I was on a very crowded bus and an old woman with a walker gets on. All the other passengers proceed to file on and take up the remaining standing places but she stands close to me, staring me in the eyes. After 5 minutes of this, I kindly ask, ‘may I help you?’ She replies, “yes, I have been waiting here for 5 m…

Little Johnny and a little girl are playing. Little Johnny pulls down his shorts and says, “I have one of these and you don’t.” The little girl starts crying and crying and runs home to her mother. The next day Little Johnny and the girl are playing together again. Once again Little Johnny points to his private…

A little Johnny got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar backwards. The little Johnny asked why he wore his collar backwards. The man, who was a priest, said, I am a Father.’ The little Johnny replied, ‘My Daddy is also a father, but he doesn’t wear his collar like that’ …

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighbourhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked he…

An old fella was celebrating 92 years on this earth. He spoke to his toes. “Hello, toes.”, he said. How are you? You know, you are92 today. Oh, the times we’ve had! Remember how we walked in the park in the summer every Sunday afternoon? The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy Birthday, toes!” “Hello, kne…

A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked. When an old woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages. She said, Let’s see now, there’s the twins, Sally and Billy, they’re eighteen. And the twins, Seth & Beth, they’re sixteen. And the twins, Penny and Jen…

A blonde arrived for her first golf lesson and the pro asked her to take a swing at a ball to see how she’d do. The blonde did so and completely duffed the shot. The pro said, “Your swing is good but you’re gripping the club too hard grip the club gently as you would your husband’s weapon.” The blonde took anothe…

A fireman comes home from work one day and tells his wife, “We have a wonderful system at the fire station: Bell 1 rings, we put on our jackets; Bell 2 rings, we slide down the pole; Bell 3 rings, we’re on the trucks. From now on, we’re going to run this house the same way. When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip…

An Amish lady was driving her horse drawn buggy to town with her young son when she was stopped by a highway patrol officer. “I’m not going to cite you,” said the officer, “I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous.” “I thank thee,” said the Amish lady…

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn all over his body. He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns on his legs. He was starting to blister and in pain by the time the doctor arrived. To help, the doctor prescribed an IV wit…

A father put his 3-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, “God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa.” The father asked, ‘Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?’ The little girl said, “I don’t know daddy, it just seemed like the thing…

A priest and a nun are caught in a blizzard. They find a deserted cabin and take shelter. They find a sleeping bag, a bed, and a pile of blankets. The priest, being a gentleman, offers the nun the bed and takes the sleeping bag for himself. As they get tucked in for the night the nun calls out, “Father, Father I’m c…

A woman decides to tidy up her husband’s closet and hidden in a corner at the bottom of everything she finds 4 eggs and a nice wad of money.  She immediately starts counting them and discovers that they are 10,000 euros! She immediately calls her husband and asks for explanations. “Paolo, can you explain to me what…

A husband and wife were getting intimate in bed when suddenly the wife asked, "Honey, do you think we should try some new positions tonight?" The husband was excited and replied, "Sure, why not? What do you have in mind?" The wife said, "Well, I was thinking we could try the 'Wheelbarrow…

On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, “I have a confession to make. I’m not a virgin. I’ve been with one other guy.” “Oh yeah? Who was the guy?” “Tiger Woods, the golfer.” “Well, he’s rich, famous, and handsome. I can understand that.” The couple then makes passionate love. Wh…

There were three nuns, they all told the priest that they were going to do one sin each. So the priest says ok, do your sins, come back, and I’ll bless you. So, they went to do their sins and came back to get blessed. The priest asked the first one who was laughing what her sin was. She said, “I had spend a night wi…

Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first man, “What is three times three?” “274,” was his reply. The doctor says to the second man, “It’s your turn. What is three times three?” “Tuesday,” replies the second man. The doctor says to the third man, “Okay, your turn. What’s three…

A girl was having an affair while her father was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her father’s car pull into the driveway. “Oh My God – Hurry! Grab your clothes,” she yelled to her lover. “And jump out the window my father’s home early!” “I can’t jump out the window!”…